HAM CHASES DOWN FACTS

Wade: Ham, need your help on this one.
Ham: Sorry, kid. I happen to be sucking on a pina colada right now. Enjoying the breeze. Living the life.
Wade: Ham I could really use some help.
Ham: Spare me. I've had three or four. I'm not much help to anybody.
Wade: Ham it's only 11am.
Ham: Okay, what do you need?
Wade: Can you check this fact for me? Was Isaac Newton born on December 25th?
Ham: Call a journalist.
Wade: When I need a journalist... Ham PLEASE!! You can do it. I desperately need your help.
Ham: Kid, I dabble in writing, sure, but a journalist? It's not me dude. Get somebody else.
Wade: H-A-M ! ! ! ! !
Ham: You need a license to be a journalist, don't you?
Wade: Yes. I mean no. To tell you the truth, I don't really don't know. Ham please just check the fact.
Ham: Got it. I'm on it kid. AP. UPI. All over it. Big time... Hey, I need a pencil.
Wade: YOU DON'T NEED A PENCIL. JUST RUN CHECK THE FACT WILL YOU PLEASE.
HAM: What do I look like, King Checkfact? The things I do for God and country. First I lead the country into space. Then I learn to talk. But that's not enough. No, they want more. Well this chimp's had it. Enough is enough. I work my ...
Wade: WILL YOU PLEASE HURRY UP!
Ham: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I WORK MY ...
Wade: Look, if you don't like it go work for the New York Times!
Ham: How would I know when Isaac Newton was born? Why would I care?
Wade: Ham will you please cooperate?
Ham: Dude I'm on it. Plane flight to Washington, you got me covered right? Congressional Library. Send the bill to somebody. Don't send it to me because I certainly don't have it. Of course, if you want to send it to me go ahead. But you'll be terribly disappointed.
Wade: Ham I don't have time for this.
Ham: Get time. What about working conditions? Yeah, that's right. First you put me on top of enough rocket fuel to fry me a thousand times over. Then I spend years learning to talk... or at least, I do my best. Now you want a journalist. Better working conditions, dude, or I'm off this gig...
Wade: Ham --
Ham: No I'm serious.
Wade: Ham --
Ham: Where were YOU when they were launching Sputnik? Huh? Tell me that!
Wade: You're a chimp.
Ham: Drop dead.
Wade: You don't have to go that far.
Ham: You don't have class.